In a Flash - Gone

So after a couple of days wondering how in the hell someone just presses the delete button without any warning or provocation, and shoves several thousand posted submissions into the irretrievable waste basket of electronic purging, I've finally just taken a deep breath and let it go. I thought it impossible to rationalize such a thing, that someone could possibly have that little respect for the work of others.. or that little respect for the medium, period. It baffled me two days ago.. to the point that I lost sleep over it. (Eh, but I lose sleep over just about everything. Welcome to the world of a chronic insomniac). And it still baffles me.

But it isn't like I've never lost precious pieces of myself to the electronic void over the last thirteen years. I have. I've even lost countless works of mine in hard copy format over the years during my many cross country moves. I was born with a wander lust. I have always traveled lightly, picking up at the drop of a hat, and leaving anything behind that I could not carry. I have also been guilty of pushing that delete button on numerous of my own manuscripts, flushing things away into ozone of cyber space. Things that, sadly, I can never reclaim.

It hurts. I'm attached at the hip to my own writing, and in a very personal and intimate way. It is almost narcissistic.

I'm wondering if I even want to sign on to the internet anymore; if there are not countless better things to do with my time. There's a chair over there in the corner with my name on it, collecting dust. It's a chair that faces an archived stack of scattered notes, big and small, written on anything and everything from sticky post-its to matchbook covers, to cash register receipts. It's a composite of the past when a package of disposable pens, (Papermate Write Bros. medium point, because Bic pens with their faceted edges sucked), a bookshelf filled with dictionaries and reference volumes, and a library that stayed open late were all you needed.

That chair over there in the corner is looking better and better to me with each passing day. And believe me when I say this: If I go over there and dust it off, I will get lost.. just like I did in the good old days. And I won't be coming back again.